Part of motherhood involves accepting the fact that I will never fully be in control over everything. It’s just not possible, and as a planner who needs to know all the details in advance, this was a hard and quick lesson I had to learn.
As I’m writing this post, my 16 week old daughter is asleep in my arms, and it still makes me emotional that she almost wasn’t here with me today. The story of her birth is traumatic, and I don’t want to share this to frighten anyone. While it’s traumatic, it’s also a story of strength and resilience. My pregnancy wasn’t easy, and I didn’t really have anyone to share their stories with me. It may have prepared me better for what I was about to experience. So I share this in the hope that another mom can feel seen and heard and learn from my experience. Birth is beautiful, even when it’s traumatic, and as mothers, these are stories that need to be heard.
The Birth
My daughter was born full term at 39 weeks and 5 days. I debated on choosing an elective induction for a long time. I had read all about the statistics on still birth and birth complications after 40 weeks. It made me really anxious, and as a first time mother there was some comfort in knowing when baby would arrive. I had also read about complications with inductions, and that choosing an induction came with risks. I didn’t know what to do. My doctor scheduled an induction and told me I could always cancel it if I didn’t want to go through with it.
I heard about a membrane sweep and that it was supposed to help start labor. I figured at the very least I could have this done since it was a natural method of induction. I started drinking raspberry leaf tea, eating dates, doing the Miles circuit, all the things to prepare my body and crossed my fingers that the membrane sweep would work. It didn’t. It was also incredibly painful, and I don’t think I’ll choose to have it done ever again.
The week leading up to the membrane sweep I had noticed a decrease in fetal movement. I didn’t want to panic because she was still moving, but the movements were much less and much softer than normal. Supposedly this can be normal. I was told that babies run out of room at the end, so movements can decrease. I don’t think this is actually true. If you’re a pregnant mama and you notice decreased movement, PLEASE go get checked.
Since the membrane sweep hadn’t worked and fetal movements were still abnormal, I decided to go through with the induction. Something just felt off and I was terrified of having a stillbirth. I went into the hospital at 8pm, had my IV put in, and was given cervadil inserted into the cervix to induce labor. Hours passed and I started having contractions, but was barely 2cm dilated. Eventually I started feeling nauseous, shaky, and generally unwell. Contractions continued to pick up, but dilation remained the same. After about 4 hours of this I didn’t feel right and wanted them to take the insert out. I had read about potential reactions to labor induction drugs, including uterine rupture, and I felt very ill at that point, so I just wanted it out. My contractions were increasing but still no dilation, so I was very nervous about uterine rupture.
The induction was considered a failure, so I was discharged the next morning. As I was getting ready to leave the hospital I felt a pop in my stomach. There wasn’t any fluid, so I wasn’t sure if my water had broken or not. My husband drove us home and I continued to have contractions throughout the day. The contractions had never stopped after the induction and I tried my best to sleep and get rest. Around midnight I went to the bathroom and there was a gush of fluid. My water had definitely broken. So back to the hospital we went, and after being triaged I was admitted to labor and delivery. I had contractions throughout the rest of the night and into the morning. I had planned on having an unmediated birth, but by 10am I was in so much pain that I was screaming and crying. I barely remember any of it. I believe the induction medicine was responsible for causing the contractions to be so unbearable. I ended up getting an epidural, and I was able to sleep and get more rest. The downside is that contractions slowed and I was still only dilated to 2cm. I was given pitocin and my nurses suggested I use my haaka to pump and stimulate my nipples in hopes it would help me progress. And boy did it work.
Within 20 minutes of getting pitocin and pumping I was 10cm dilated, 100% effaced, and ready to go. My nurses were incredible and they coached me through pushing. I pushed for nearly 4 hours, with about an hour of rest in between, and still wasn’t making progress. The OB on call came in and told me I needed to consider a c section for failure to progress. I didn’t want to do that, I wanted to give birth naturally. She could feel my baby’s head and told me that she would try a vacuum to assist, but she would only give me one try. If it failed, she would rush me into an emergency c section. I decided on the vacuum.
It was the most intense, difficult thing I’ve ever done. Teams of people came rushing in the room. My husband was sitting next to me, holding my hand, and he started crying. I couldn’t even look. I knew that if I opened my eyes and saw how many people were in the room, saw what they were preparing for in case things went south, if I even acknowledged my husband crying next to me, I wouldn’t be able to do it. So I kept my eyes closed, mustered up all the strength I had left, and I pushed and pushed. It worked. My daughter was born with the cord wrapped around her neck, and I held my breath until I heard her first beautiful, incredible cry, and then I lost it. My husband and I held each other and cried while nurses cleaned up my daughter and then put her on my chest. Then it was just the three of us, my husband and I holding each other, holding our daughter, and crying our relief.
I had spent so much time pushing because the cord was wrapped around her neck preventing her from coming out. A cord blood analysis had shown she did lose oxygen briefly during birth, but her 1 and 5 minute apgar scores were 8 and 9. She didn’t end up needing a NICU stay.
It’s truly a miracle. I prayed to God just before my final push. I didn’t know the cord was around her neck. None of us knew. Had I waited to go into labor on my own, because of the cord, my daughter would have been stillborn. I thank God every day that she’s okay, that she’s alive, well, and here with me. I’ve never known true fear until that moment. It’s rare to have the nuchal cord wrapped so tightly around the neck that it causes complications, but that’s what happened to me. I don’t know for certain, but I have a feeling that sometime in the week leading up to my daughter’s birth the cord wrapped around her neck and that’s why her movements decreased.
In the end, I’m glad I trusted my gut and went through with the induction, even if it didn’t quite work and the birth went a completely different way than planned. I ended up with a second degree tear, my daughter had a small bruise on the back of her head, but that was nothing compared to what could have been. She almost wasn’t here at all. I’m a little envious of the women who have easy, simple, uncomplicated births. It’s what I had hoped for myself, but life doesn’t always go according to plan.
I wish I had known more, that I had heard more stories so I could have been more prepared. I wish there were more women in my life, more mothers to talk to and get guidance from, but there aren’t. So it’s my hope that I can be the person I needed, for someone else. Motherhood is wonderful, it’s beautiful, it’s a gift, but it’s also hard and lonely at times. I don’t have my village yet, so I’m creating one.
